woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
