K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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