So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
