Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
