I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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