6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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