Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
