I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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