but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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