i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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