Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Randomize
