Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
it's like heaven, but drunker
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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