My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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