hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
