I seem to have left my pride at pride
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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