Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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