I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
