just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
