Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
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