Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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