Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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