just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
