guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
