i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
