she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
