I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
