would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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