I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
