I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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