IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
