i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize
