Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone came in the potted fern
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
