dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
