areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
