Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
