Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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