my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
