When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
