i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
