Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
