did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
