Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
