I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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