Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
