Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
