why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
