I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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