So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
