Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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