between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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