dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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