he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
