Can i not drive my cunt home
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
