i love accidental penises.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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