if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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