btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
