You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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