You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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