You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
