put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
