Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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