Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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