My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
