I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
