i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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