well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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