every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize