My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
