I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
